I walked past my mum's old house where she raised us in Islington. The place where we grew up. I thought I'd never be brave enough to do so, especially alone. So many memories rushed to my mind. so many flashbacks. I could see her walking towards the house, hear the dogs barking, see her talking to the neighbours. I remembered me walking to school, playing in the park.
I walked to the park across the road so Drissialemoy could play on the swings.
I never ever thought I would be standing here pushing my daughter on the swings staring at my mum's house and her not being on this earth. It felt border line surreal. I felt as if this was all a bad dream and any minute now I would see her.
I stood and stared at the house as I pushed Drissialemoy on the swing.. It's the only one on the street that has white windows and door. My mum had it fully double glazed. It really stands out from all the other houses as all the other windows are brown. It was the weirdest feeling. I had flashbacks of me being in this same park as a small young girl. Hearing my mum calling me in for dinner. Never in a million years would I imagine ME standing here pushing MY daughter whom my mum never met on the swings. It was odd. I actually felt a bit sick standing there. It didn't feel right. The houses are currently being renovated so there was scaffolding all over them.
As I left the park one of my old neighbours who lives there and knew my mum well, called out to me. She was shocked. 'Who's baby is that?' she asked. 'mine' I replied, she held her head as if in shock. 'no way, really she said, I would never think you would have a baby?!, I am so shocked to see you walking with a baby, she looks nothing like you'. We spoke for a while. She informed me that her mother whom my mother used to know very well had also died 4 months after my mum. I actually told her that my mum had died before, and she told her mother. Her mother had asked her to tell me to come and tell her myself as she wanted to hear it from me. I never went. I knew she too was ill and didn't want to give her that sad news. Thinking about it now, I'm kind of glad I never, as she died 4 months later. She spoke highly of my mum. She respected her a lot and loved her. Her daughter told me that her mum never got over the death of my mother. She kept talking about her and saying that she advised her of her medications and how they weren't really good for her. She said that she knew the last time she saw my mum that she would never see her again. Her daughter told me that there were 2 deaths she couldn't get over, her own daughter's death and my mums death. After our chat, I said my goodbyes and she asked me to come by again.
I looked back at the park and my mum's house, and I thought, yes I will be back. I will come back and spend time in the area where I grew up and where my mum raised me. It's sad memories but also I felt happy to be "near" her. She loved Islington. She was very fond of the area.